Pirates vs. Power Rangers: a guide to dressing up like a real biker
Illustration: Grant RayNew to bikes and want to make sure the big kids don't pick on you for showing up on the first day in the wrong outfit? Don't worry, Hell For Leather is here to help. Here's our comprehensive guide to dressing up like a real biker, whether you think that means looking like a Pirate or a Power Ranger.
Pirate
Bike: Harley-Davidson Fat Bob Cross Bones Ultra Glide Super Classic Chrome Edition with Vibration Pack; FLHTBUTSEX.
Helmet: If you live in a helmet law state, novelty helmet purchased from eBay with "For Novelty Purposes Only" sticker removed. If you don't live in a helmet law state, $1.99-for-four Scleaming Eagle-brand bandana purchased from China via eBay.
Eyewear: Xtreme-brand sunglasses purchased from Chevron after your H-D ones flew off at 52mph.
Facial Expression: Ohhhhhhhhh, yeahhhhhhh. Mouth closed to prevent bug infiltration.
Facial hair: As much as your employee policy at HR Block will allow.
Necklace: imitation bear claw.
Upper Body Wear: An unbuttoned leather vest adorned with club patches and other flair purchased brand new from China via Harley dealer. Make sure you buy a size too small so it won't quite clasp across your beer gut. We did mention the need for a beer gut didn't we?
Belt: XXL women's "Studded Punk" belt from Hot Topic retrofitted with an extraordinarily large Eagle-motif belt buckle purchased from China via Harley dealer. We recommend Butt Butter to prevent undue belly chafing. Avoid direct sunlight.
Jeans: WalMart's special "GrandMa" cut. Make sure you get the acid wash and it's probably best to go ahead and buy them two sizes too big.
Chaps: Ideally you want these to say "dad likes leather." If the shop assistant doesn't know what that means, tell him "leather daddy." Bonus points for fringes or lacing, but under no circumstances accept any that could possibly protect a vulnerable area in a crash.
Footwear: Generic American-style work boots purchased from China via WalMart.
Tattoos: Prison-style is best, but avoid hepatitis by getting them done at Sally Joe's tattoo emporium down by the Starbucks. Choose stencils from the book labelled "Flames, Eagles and Flags."
Bitch: Ideally the two of you will purchase gear at the exact same time to guarantee you can put all of it on your finance plan at the Harley dealer.
Power Ranger
Bike: You still have your first bike, a Honda CBR1000RR, but want to switch to an R1 because it has .001% more power and Valentino Rossi rides a Yamaha now. Any GSX-RZX100000XXR will do. Scuffed plastic from when you dropped it leaving the dealer and the cheapest exhaust eBay said would fit.
Helmet: A Rossi-replica you picked up cheap at Laguna last year. Sure it's the paint scheme from three years ago, but that's a real signature on it, right?
Eyewear: Purple iridium visor to match your windscreen.
Facial Expression: Ohhhhhhhh, shhhhiiiiitttttttttttttt. Mouth open because the helmet's cheekpads squeeze too tight.
Facial hair: You can grow facial hair?! If so, look to George Michael for inspiration.
Necklace: Puka shells.
Body wear: Rossi-rep leathers that are skin tight everywhere, except in the ass, where they sag so low it looks like you shat yourself. Tip: geometric padding over the belly is slimming.
Kneesliders: Ground in on your neighbor's belt sander. Make sure you sand from the correct angle so it doesn't look like you ride backwards.
Footwear: Rossi-rep boots purchased from eBay at the same time as your leathers, two sizes too large since you didn't know your Italian shoe size.
Tattoos: Your business fraternity's greek letters or the Chinese symbol for "fashion victim" on your left ankle.
Bitch: Like your girlfriend is going to trust you with the Pekinese.
Wes Siler. November 16, 2009 — Permalink
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Can I get a Morph Picture of the Two Dolls above?
Then I'll make up my mind...
Papasan
hahhahaa!
please tell me this will be a shirt.
t-shirt with random tags on the back like " Leather Daddy" , " Puka Rider", just add like what ever, people will buy it...
Papasan
O.K. you went too far mentioning Butt Butter, I thought this was a family site????
Papasan
Butt Butter is an extremely wholesome product.
Hats off to Grant for that wonderful illustration. I laughed so hard I started coughing. Ironically, I look like the black ranger most of the time. Black leathers, black boots, black gloves... you get the picture. I do rock a clear shield and screen though; I kinda like to see where I'm going when I'm not too busy looking like a badass.
Make this a t-shirt on cafepress and I'm buying!
Make this a t-shirt on cafepress and I'm buying
Yes. I have raised a child too, it is a wonderful product for diaper rash...
Sorry to all the Butt Butter enthusiasts and Wes Siler out there in cyber land...
Papasan
I disagree with the Pirate buying the pants two sizes too big. It's more often a situation of "I wear the same size pants I wore in high school!" The unspoken is that he was husky in high school and he wears his pants lower every year, as the gut, or dick-do (sticks out further than my dick do) gets bigger and pushes them lower.
Actually what you're refering to is a very serious medical condition known as Dunlop's disease. Suffice it to say that his belly dun-lop over his belt.
Great artwork. I love the little details like the HMFD tattoo and the Italian flag. Bravo, Grant!
I agree, this should totally be on a shirt. I'd buy!
Hipster™ brand motocycliste rides:
Bike: 1864 TriNortBSAondaati 50cc with hand hammered courrogated tin bikini fairings and authentic antiqued BMX fixie brass clipons, exhaust, and rearsets.
Helmet: Ironic Biltwell in the ole USA metal flake expressing disdain at other unapproved novelty helmet brands.
Eyewear: Thrift shop rapist graded tint.
Facial Expression: Camera Suprise! Third take, half hour photo shoot on the pinholevintagefisheyeLeica. Flash only takes five minutes to recharge.
Facial hair: Handlebar and sideburns copped off Sideburn.
Body wear: Vintage LanglitzSchottNCY eBay perfecto 1.5 star condompocket prototype edition sz26 year 2 #35 production hand stiched by Sarah Baker and inspected by Schott personally himself, hombre. Gently distress it with bleach in the bath. Flannel. Selfveadge 50oz JapaneseChineseVietnamese tear-eazy sweat-eazy jeans. Achieve authentic mad fadez using neighbor's belt sander. Make sure you buy brass knucles to get the authentic hardcore shapez.
Footwear: NikeChuckWings from boutique Parisian online chain hightops in neon.
Tattoos: Steve-O posing with his Hitler finger moustache tattoo tattoo.
Bitch: Frequently confused with her at parties even though she wears Megan Fox leathers and rides the Vespa harder.
Hey, that's what I aspire to be! Except minus the facial hair, I can't grow that worth a damn.
Hey, leave Wes alone.
Wes could handle it, if I had mentioned him. And there's only one way I'm in the know.
Don't forget, no washing your jeans. Ever. Only spray bleach and Febreeze.
That is hilarious. Please, please put it on your Cafepress site. I will buy 10 and stock it in the store!
You forgot one.
Anti-Class Elitist
Bike: BMW. Only a BMW. Forever. Saddlebags festooned with stickers from every known town that you've ridden through that sells a sticker. The more road grime the better. Add every possible electronic gadget known to man to the point where you have to change the front suspension settings to handle the extra weight.
Helmet: Only an approved modular will do. Nolan, Schuberth, Roof, Shoei. The jury is still out on Scorpion as not enough research has been done yet. Motoman sticker required.
Apparel: Aerostich one piece suit in any lurid combination combo that matches nothing on the known planet and never will. Drag said suit through a dusty field and spray with BMW Spray On Bug Guts before wearing.
Attitude: Disdain. Nobody rides farther than you and you can prove it by the stickers, dusty suit and spray on bugs. Car drivers are the devil and should be banned from cell-phone use. By the way, let me show you my new Scala Rider.
Facial hair: Big bushy moustache.
Tattoos: You must be joking.
Facial Expression. Grimace. After all, you've ridden 11,000 miles before breakfast.
Breakfast. Weekly meeting at semi-greasy spoon where the group ALWAYS sits at the same table and fills it from from one end to the other based on arrival time.
Eyewear. Flip down inner visor.
Bitch: If she rides with you, she has a contrasting lurid suit but it's much cleaner. Most of the time, she stays home because you said so.
Footwear. Badly scuffed waterproof boots. Black only and bought for comfort as you walk around the BMW rally in them with a pair of shorts and floppy, khaki, stringed hat.
Hehehehe, you forgot, has picture of Charlie Boorman tucked in wallet!
I have nothing further to add...
Can't stop laughing!
Papasan
+1 on the t-shirt!
Too funny. I'd like to see a pic combining the two.
Bob, there are certain parallel universes we shouldn't tamper with. The cross-pollination of Pirates and Power Rangers is one of them.
Uh oh, overall, I'm leaning toward anticlass elitist... Thankfully no BMW yet, and no saddlebags or stickers. Plus my boots are ridiculously shiny. So maybe not...
HELP!!! I don't fall neatly into a category!!! What is the point of riding if not to engender a false sense of camaraderie with random people who I'll never talk to, but wave to me every time we pass!?!?!?!?
Good point. That could be ugly.
awesome.
What about the 'Chicken Striper'?
You know, the one who goes out and buy's a 21k Ducati 1198s and only leans the bike when it's on the kickstand. And who is also tragically the guy/girl financially able to buy one who crashes it the same day. Or who rides it once a year + the first sentence.
LOL, okay I'm not good at this. YES Wes make that shirt cause I'm buying! and make sure that prirate and ranger makes it on there somewhere, LOL.
Nice artwork Grant. I would be in for a shirt.
The best is when they combine powers. Thats when shit gets fo realz.
Nice one V
This seems more like the Power Ranger Bitch:
No helmet, event though you have a $500 Shoei. Tight tank-top, back length hair, tight black shorts, sneakers or heels.
Obviously the only way to avoid this dreadful social faux pas, is to bike nekkid...
I've never commented before.
This post is brilliant and I want a shirt.
TrailFairy:
Bike: KTM 300EXCR-W-ER 2-stroke, electric start, oversized tank, every bolt, cover, sprocket, chain, rims, spokes, hubs forks, all anodized orange.
Helmet: KTM by Thor
Eyewear: KTM branded Smiths by Thor
Facial Expression: scratched by overhanging branches and covered in mud from his buddy roosting him in the face and thinking it’s hilarious.
Facial Hair: completely shaved face and head
Necklace: no
Body Wear: Orange white and blue matching pants, gloves, jersey, vest, jacket, skull cap, socks, riding skins, KTM brand by Thor
Trail Snack: weed and Cheetos
Knee Braces: custom prescription CTI’s
Truck: Sequoia with 25’ toyhauler
Tattoo: Angry Moose flexing huge muscles
Bitch: hope to ask out that IT guy's cute sister soon
You just won the internet with that!
Teh internets? For me? Cool! A round of LOL cats and YouTube dancing videos for everyone.
Haha, a couple weeks ago a friend saw my riding my Ducati and we chatted and he said I looked like an evil Power Ranger. I'm still not sure what that means but I have a better idea now.
I think they should make a Capital One comercial with Harley riders. "Yaaaaaar, what's in yer wallet?"
At a distance I might appear to be the Anticlass Elitist, but when I doff my 'stitch to have weed & cheetos with the KTM guys in my pirate beard I become more difficult to quantify.
Hey, C-Racer, I'll take 2 Basement Cats and a LOLrus...to go.
Where is the BMW dress-like-an-astronaut contingent?
Tac-ops ricer
Bike: BUSA with drag style extended swing arm, chrome rims sporting a 250 rear tire. The entire fairing is airbrushed in the style of jersey shore t-shirts.
Helmet: Chrome German Style Novelty lid
Facial Expression: perpetual snarl from being oh so bad
Facial hair: Nautical style chin strip
Necklace: Flossin
Upper Body Wear: ICON Regulator vest emblazoned with crew logo, fingerless gloves
Belt: Whatever Jason Britton wore last week on superbikes
Jeans: So baggy they are likely to leave bruises from the flapping while doing wheelies at 80 miles an hour
Footwear: Tims
Tattoos: Old English style lettering with deep spiritual phrase
Bitch: Bikini top and jean shorts and an ass large enough to justify the need for the 250.
The problem with using HD riders is that the answer would be, "Nothin'."
LOL! Would you like a bag for that?
As an added bonus, BB goes great with whole wheat toast!!!!! Very usefull when unemployed and the FLXCHBUTSLMR is reposessed by the Motor Co.
Funny stuff. Reader's additions as well!
Not sure where I fit. 3/4 Snell/DOT helmet. American made jacket and overpants. Work boots from China via internet. Gloves and sunglasses from everywhere. Clean cut. 36*34 regular fit jeans from Wal-Mart heading back toward 34*34. Giant Japanese touring cruiser.
What happens when my leathers from my teens have to fit the new and improved slight beer gut of the Mid 20's. Thankfully, the Brutale has the capacity for the 180 lb version of me as opposed to the 130 lb version. Now the Aprilia RS 50 don't roll @ 75 any more though. Damn Trek aint taking off the lbs ovr the winter like it should be. Forget the Trek and blame the beer!
Best post ever. Even the non-biker people giggle like school girls.
"Trail Snack: weed and Cheetos"
worth a repeating
http://www.knjmoto.com/2009/02/06/big-happy/
OMG i cant categorically attach myself to any of these! Halp! orphaned!
Bike: CB750 with mix matched metal parts/braces/brackets dirty as can be, chain goo all over the side. no side covers, leaky front seals, must be held @ 5k for a minute full choke to idle correctly
Helmet: glittery
Facial Expression: smirk
Facial hair: 5oclock shadow
Necklace: leather strap with beads spelling 'DADDY'
Upper Body Wear: walmart t-shirt with Zelda on it
Jeans: Levi 501's 34×34 frayed at the bottom from wear
Footwear: Chucks
Tattoos: tribal/full sleeves
Bitch: on her CB350 with her ass in the air next to me @ 90 on the flat.
Wingnut
Bike: Honda Goldwing, or reasonable facsimilie thereof.
Helmet: 3/4 helmet, preferably matching bike color (especially if it's a fab color like "wine") with large microphone for intercom system. Alternate: Modular helmet with chinbar permanently up.
Eyewear: Bifocals in large gold frames.
Facial Expression: A grimace toward anyone under 60.
Facial hair: grey stubble (can't find razor amongst 300 cubic feet of luggage).
Necklace:Gold (cross optional), accessorized with medical bracelet.
Body wear: Light blue shirt of at least 50% polyester construction, at least one pocket mandatory. Leather bomber jacket with large rear patch of military branch of choice for cold weather use. Slacks round out ensemble.
Kneesliders: Does an artifical knee count?
Footwear: Hushpuppy or Rockport.
Tattoos: Military branch of choice.
Bitch: Grandma (or sometimes a stuffed animal)
Brilliant! You did forget one category though.
Seat: Custom Depends cover.
I present you with the Hipster Cafe Racer award :D
http://www.latfh.com/
Go here to claim your prize.
The only two wheels you'll see a true hipster on is a fixed gear bike or possibly a moped.
While it's true that they love their fixies, and the occasional honda hobbit, a few hipsters actually manage to get their shit together enough to get a real motorcycle. And when that happens, it's almost always a ratty cafe racer.
don't know if this happens to anybody else
but your page is written over it self
and all but impossable to read, to bad i've
heard its supposed to be good.
The day I see record jackets and polaroids in the spokes of a cafe'd CB500 is the day I go to Capitol Hill and destroy everyone wearing a keffiyeh.
And triker, might want to try a different web browser or update yours. I'm using firefox and it looks fine.
Bike: 1996 Buell S1 Lightning...thoroughly flogged for years, engine modded to the max...stripped to the bone...and cosmetically disregarded.
Helmet: AFX 3/4 offroad helmet with rock guard and a flip-up shield.
Eyewear: N/A
Facial Expression: Evil (or stupid, depending on your perspective) grin.
Facial hair: Five-o-clock shadow...at all times.
Necklace: N/A They always manage to strike the mouth.
Body wear: Jeans and white tee. Joe Rocket Riot jacket (external hard armor) and CF knuckled gloves.
Kneesliders: Icon leg armor if it's warm enough for shorts.
Footwear: MX boots.
Tattoos: Misc. tribal.
Bitch: Doesn't ride with me these days. Had done 500 mile days on the tiny seat with no passenger pegs (she's a trooper).
Yes, the fictitious character of Jim Goose is my hero.
don't forget obnoxious overuse of right hand at stoplights for both!
The really sad part is that we can all relate to one or more of these sterotypes. I call it cookie cutter bikers. What happened to the indendant rider that dosen't need to look like anyones cookie cutting mold?....
This was though a very very good read, comments included.
Nice! How about making this a series? Aerostich man! and the dude in khaki shorts on 19,000cc cruiser!
Very good illustration.
I was wondering who was driving the price of those rusty nightmares throught roof...
this is just what I was looking for
Thanks for the post I actually learned something from it. Very good content on this site Always looking forward to new post.